daughter - wife - mother - daughter

One would thing that having a kid is all it takes to be a mother. Well! I have two. A boy and a girl. A perfect balance according to some. Ofcourse, I even have the most wonderful husband in the world who meets all the criteria for today's definition of a committed father and husband. Starting out as a doted daughter to be a wife and a mother was a wonderful metamorphosis. A thrilling and a very life altering one. I should remember to thank for my blessings everyday. Never take them for granted. Just like I never should have taken being a daughter for granted. The unconditional love from my parents was never thanked for while I was a child or a teenager. Parents were just expected to give that. Love me just for me. That is what the whole world says. Isn't it?
Reeling back from the past, here I am in my parents home. The sense of familiarity coming back. My mother enquiring if I have had my breakfast. If my two year old is eating well. I'm back home(?) to visit my parents. Visit my wonderful mom who has been through the ordeal of, a lump in the breast- casual checkup - nothing serious - mastectomy - pathology - breast cancer - lymph nodes involved - chemotherapy - statistics for survival - desparately wanting to be one of the survivors. With me going through, shock - fear - anger - fight - help - educate - will I lose of my mom to this unwanted visitor - having a new image of my dad from the most powerful human being in the world to helpless husband trying to figure out how to save his wife from the unwelcome untimely visitor called breast cancer.
While my whole family is trying to deal with this in their own way, I look at my mom going through all this and yet being a mom all the while to me and my brother. Making me feel if anything has changed at all inspite of the whole world spinning in the other direction. While I enjoy my solitary moments with my parents in the afternoons when my son is taking his nap, I transform from being an adult, a wife, a mother, back to being a daughter trying to cling onto my mom's sari, twirl it between my fingers, and hold my dad's hands with my other hand. Just listening to them silently, living - breathing - talking - laughing - just them being with each other. I want to put the three of us in a shell and close the lid. Fill my lungs and heart with them. I look at them and sometimes get the protective feeling that I have towards my children. I want to protect them from the hard facts of aging(? - They are not even 60 and the grandparents of 4 kids already). Can I be there for every little ache and pain just like they were there for me all through my growing up? I know that the answer is never. I do not want to let go. I want them forever. Looking at my kids and my husband bring me back to the reality of life - Physically. Up until now, my vision for my future involved, kids growing up, kids leaving, my goals acheived, having my husband back for a second honeymoon phase, etc, etc. But NEVER did I envision my parents growing old. They were somehow left just the way they are. That is not what I want for my future.
Breast cancer has changed my whole expectations for my future. While it is doing what it is doing to my mom all the while Chemo is trying to fight back, I refuse to let go of her sari. I refuse to let go of the familiar smell of the presence of my dad. I refuse to let go of them just being there. I want to be the daughter that they care for and think about forever.
Inspite of me being 30, I never somehow even had the thought that my parents will be be absorbed back into the wheel of life just like the way my grandparents were, one by one. I know that many children are not as blessed as I am. Not lucky to have their parents around for long. Sometimes not even to get them through childhood and gently push them from being a child to an adult. I should start counting my blessings! Enjoy every moment. Breather deep and stay in the present. While the future is an unknown, right now, right this every moment, my parents are right there next to me in the living room. While I do my thing, my dad's with his paper, daily dose of news on the TV, my mom sipping her coffee, reading her paper and talking to my dad with no expectations of a reply. I'm here with them just like was there everyday before I transformed to be an adult, a wife, a mother. The only difference - I do not take it for granted . Nor am I waiting to grow up, get away and reach new horizons. It is like a brand new childhood with no hurry to end it.

Treat others the way you want to be treated - Kids version

We are all familiar with the biblical quote "You shall love your neighbour as yourself" and its variations "Treat others the way you want to be treated". As you see, they are pretty self-explanatory. Well! You would think so until you read the conversation I had with my daughter on the way to her swimming class on a Saturday morning.

Myself: Anjali! How was your week? Did you have fun with your friends yesterday?
Anjali: Lots of fun with Katharine and Antara.
Myself: Hmm! What happened with Allison? I thought you both are best friends.
Anjali: I told Allison I'm not her friend anymore.
Myself: That is not a good thing to say Anjali.
(Prelude: Anjali and Allison have been very good friends. I'm sure they will be friends again the coming week. We always have one day in the week where they are not friends anymore. Don't ask me why. Tough to understand the psychology of 6 year old girls. I try to dig deep into my childhood days for answers. I remember situations like this but cannot answer the 'Why?' part. Let us get back to the conversation.)
Anjali: Because Allison is not my friend anymore.
Myself: Will you be happy if Allison says that to you.
Anjali: No!
Myself: Then why would you want to do that to her?
Anjali: Because Ms. Grace said that we should treat others like the way we want to be treated.
(At that point, I was totally lost. I couldn't see the connection. I was happy that Anjali's teacher Ms. Grace is teaching them excellent stuff but I could not understand Anjali quoting that teaching as a reason for her behavior.)
Myself: What do you think that means?
Anjali: Because Allison told me last week that she doesn't want to be my friend anymore. Since she is treating me like that, I think that is how she wants to be treated too. Ms. Grace said so.
Myself: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did you see the twisted logic here? I still had to explain Anjali that the saying is not 'Treat others the way they treat you' and it is about applying it to yourself first, etc. etc.

New year!! New beginnings?

It is 2009 already. Still have to get used to that while signing off my checks. Every year, just like a lot of us, I too start off with new year resolutions. Trying to brush away past failures and making new goals with renewed hope and energy. This year, I tried not to have any new year resolutions at all. Part of me is already calling me loser, escapist, liar, etc, etc. How can I ditch the evergreen one like 'losing weight'? I have realized that in the process of creating new goals and new beginnings, I have never come to terms with what I have made of myself the past years. Was everything wrong? Of course not!! Then why not carry some of what I have been doing into this new year too with a stronger will and a greater appreciation for what is already there? This year let me dig up what I already have in myself and make it brighter? Nothing brand new. Just old me but nicely dusted, polished, and sparkling. In that process, I might be more lighter! Have I reached a stage of complacency? Let me see. After all I have the whole of 2009 to figure that out.

Do you really know yourself?

I have just finished a course and trying to enjoy some spare time I have. I like to watch my sleeping 19 month old. It is so precious and I can never get tired of it. I was envious of the fact that how simple and impression free his life is. No emotional baggage to carry on. It made me wonder about my inner peace and if I'm truly happy. I'm not sure if it is very common, but I'm one person who enjoys the journey more than the destination. Once I reach where I want to, its like the reality doesn't match my expectations and now I have new set of goals to achieve and new mountains to climb. Phew! When you do not experience something yet, it is out there to be anything you want it to be. But once you are there, it is reality. It cannot be changed. What is it that I'm searching for? Is it out there or is it only as good as a dream? Or is it me? The reality is always the same. No ifs and buts attached. Probably it is me changing. What am I changing for? What is it that I want to reach?