daughter - wife - mother - daughter

One would thing that having a kid is all it takes to be a mother. Well! I have two. A boy and a girl. A perfect balance according to some. Ofcourse, I even have the most wonderful husband in the world who meets all the criteria for today's definition of a committed father and husband. Starting out as a doted daughter to be a wife and a mother was a wonderful metamorphosis. A thrilling and a very life altering one. I should remember to thank for my blessings everyday. Never take them for granted. Just like I never should have taken being a daughter for granted. The unconditional love from my parents was never thanked for while I was a child or a teenager. Parents were just expected to give that. Love me just for me. That is what the whole world says. Isn't it?
Reeling back from the past, here I am in my parents home. The sense of familiarity coming back. My mother enquiring if I have had my breakfast. If my two year old is eating well. I'm back home(?) to visit my parents. Visit my wonderful mom who has been through the ordeal of, a lump in the breast- casual checkup - nothing serious - mastectomy - pathology - breast cancer - lymph nodes involved - chemotherapy - statistics for survival - desparately wanting to be one of the survivors. With me going through, shock - fear - anger - fight - help - educate - will I lose of my mom to this unwanted visitor - having a new image of my dad from the most powerful human being in the world to helpless husband trying to figure out how to save his wife from the unwelcome untimely visitor called breast cancer.
While my whole family is trying to deal with this in their own way, I look at my mom going through all this and yet being a mom all the while to me and my brother. Making me feel if anything has changed at all inspite of the whole world spinning in the other direction. While I enjoy my solitary moments with my parents in the afternoons when my son is taking his nap, I transform from being an adult, a wife, a mother, back to being a daughter trying to cling onto my mom's sari, twirl it between my fingers, and hold my dad's hands with my other hand. Just listening to them silently, living - breathing - talking - laughing - just them being with each other. I want to put the three of us in a shell and close the lid. Fill my lungs and heart with them. I look at them and sometimes get the protective feeling that I have towards my children. I want to protect them from the hard facts of aging(? - They are not even 60 and the grandparents of 4 kids already). Can I be there for every little ache and pain just like they were there for me all through my growing up? I know that the answer is never. I do not want to let go. I want them forever. Looking at my kids and my husband bring me back to the reality of life - Physically. Up until now, my vision for my future involved, kids growing up, kids leaving, my goals acheived, having my husband back for a second honeymoon phase, etc, etc. But NEVER did I envision my parents growing old. They were somehow left just the way they are. That is not what I want for my future.
Breast cancer has changed my whole expectations for my future. While it is doing what it is doing to my mom all the while Chemo is trying to fight back, I refuse to let go of her sari. I refuse to let go of the familiar smell of the presence of my dad. I refuse to let go of them just being there. I want to be the daughter that they care for and think about forever.
Inspite of me being 30, I never somehow even had the thought that my parents will be be absorbed back into the wheel of life just like the way my grandparents were, one by one. I know that many children are not as blessed as I am. Not lucky to have their parents around for long. Sometimes not even to get them through childhood and gently push them from being a child to an adult. I should start counting my blessings! Enjoy every moment. Breather deep and stay in the present. While the future is an unknown, right now, right this every moment, my parents are right there next to me in the living room. While I do my thing, my dad's with his paper, daily dose of news on the TV, my mom sipping her coffee, reading her paper and talking to my dad with no expectations of a reply. I'm here with them just like was there everyday before I transformed to be an adult, a wife, a mother. The only difference - I do not take it for granted . Nor am I waiting to grow up, get away and reach new horizons. It is like a brand new childhood with no hurry to end it.